There are memories that he has, places and things that he knows Adam won't remember, but that Nathaniel will always have. Things that just don't always make sense, and these are things that Nathaniel has to live with. Like being dishonorably discharged from the US Air Force and being forced into the Captain Atom program, because well, they didn't think he'd live. It was what they did to all the dishonorable discharges, and he hadn't even done anything wrong. Being told to kill someone as an order was not doing something wrong, it was following orders, but when those in command decided they never wanted to admit they gave the order, well that was where it went wrong. They hadn't expected him to live through the program, because no one ever did. Countless lives lost to the program,and yet somehow, Nathaniel lived. He lived to step through the program, the silver armor coating him like a second skin, and that was that. He absorbed atomic power, he became atomic power, he became a living, breathing, talking, walking atomic bomb. And the last thing people wanted to do was to piss off the walking atomic bomb, because well, people had issues with atomic weapons back then.

Come to think of it, people still have problems with atomic weapons, even now, but that's more of a political thing than he's willing to get into. He's a weapon, and he knows it. So a dishonorable discharge turned into changing his life forever and being sworn back into the US Air Force, not as Nathaniel Adam, but as Captain Atom, and his identity would be kept a secret. Because Nathaniel died when he went into that program, just like everyone else. Captain Atom, well he was destined for greatness. He would forever be one of the best weapons that the US Air Force would ever have.

After all, not many men could claim to be more powerful than Superman and being able to overpower him, and Captain Atom could, and had done it. Because sometimes, power minded people clash. Sometimes, people in power, super powered or not, clashed and that was never good for anyone. So Captain Atom could be used as a go between. He could be used as a way to stop wars before they even started, because who would want to fuck with an atomic bomb?

A lot of people, apparently. A lot of people would want to fuck with an atomic bomb, and ever since then, there has been war after war fought. Lives lost, lives saved, loves lost, loves saved, and then destined to be alone. Because it's too difficult to explain this power to people, right? It's too hard to be Captain Atom and be Nathaniel Adam and be a human who has needs and a desire to settle down, have a family, have any sort of semblance of a life. But it's not always possible. Things are expected of you, you need to always be on your guard, and so Nathaniel always is. What he hates is that has transferred over to Adam. Especially now that Adam has all the powers of Captain Atom and has yet to tell anyone. Nathaniel knows what is happening, he's seen it happen before because he went through it. It's far easier to shut down and retreat into yourself when you're the only one who knows what is going on, when you're the only one who understands. Why not, because if more people know, the more they might get hurt, and who knows what might happen if the powers got out of control? He doesn't know the full extent of everything, or rather Adam doesn't know how to prepare for if there is a deeper cut in his skin now, because every fiber of his being is atomic.

Because a slice to his skin cutting through muscle can now essentially level an entire country and Adam has no idea. Nathaniel knows he has no idea, and but he knows that they both have the armor that protects them. That protects those around them, that blends with the skin and looks like nothing is different. When it's silver, well then it's stronger. But now? Now when he looks human and is wandering around, well he'd be none the wiser. Right? Hopefully. Hopefully was all he could manage because that was what he was stuck with. An atomic being on the verge of being destroyed and while Nathaniel was used to it, Adam...well he had no full idea of what he really was. The weapon he was now.

There would have to be, Nathaniel decided, notes and messages for Adam. There would need to be a 'What might happen if things go wrong'. A contingency plan. That would be very odd to write out, but perhaps...

...it wouldn't be the first time that he'd have to do something like this, but usually he could trust someone to keep it safe, to keep him safe. But now, he didn't really have that, did he. It was a strange place to be in. Normally, he'd have J'onn helping him, but J'onn didn't seem to be here. And when Nathaniel was gone and it was only Adam, he wouldn't have anyone in general to speak to, to confide in. (He certainly couldn't trust this to Booster Gold, only because he was a lovable idiot and Nathaniel needed more assurances than that. But, well, didn't he always?)

But it was the last time the shift happened, the trip to the 'home' universe that wasn't home at all, that was messing with him. Typically, he wold know. He knew of interstellar travel, he knew of alternate universes, so why couldn't he tell? Had he been losing his touch? And now, he had spent most of this shift alone, flying up in space, surveying everything to make sure that this was actually real. It felt real, the atomic makeup of things were blending with his own, and even turning back time worked here, when it didn't before. Why didn't he notice? Why couldn't he tell?

So it was another reason to be alone, to try to come up with a plan on what to do if the worst happened. Because it was easier for him to be alone -- in a way, Nathaniel had lost touch with humanity years ago due to his transformation, and he knew he lost more and more of it each day. It was with his weird combination life with Adam that he seemed to regain some of it. So then, could he hold onto it? Or would Adam disappear just as much as Nathaniel knew he was?

Because it was easier to just fall into old habits and fall into work and focus only on the smaller picture at hand, not the larger one. That would have to be something he'd have to change.

But for now, writing a letter and hoping it got through to him would have to do. For now, that would have to be enough.